Right, let’s be honest here. When the average footballer retires, they either disappear or you can find them on Sky Sports looking uncomfortable in a suit, spouting the same boring clichés. Not Ally McCoist. Oh no. This mad Scottish genius may actually be even more entertaining since he stopped scoring goals.
I was listening to talkSPORT the other day as background noise while doing the washing up, and there he was again. That voice. That laugh. He was making some perfectly reasonable point about why Sean Dyche might find himself at Rangers, then throwing in a joke that had me snorting tea through my nose.
Ally McCoist turns 62 this year, and honestly? Good luck trying to shut him up, as he is filled with tremendous energy.
Ally McCoist’s Football Career
I understand that some of you younger people might only recognise McCoist as “that funny Scottish bloke on the radio”, but he was also a talented player. We are talking about Rangers’ all-time leading scorer here. 355 goals. That’s not a typo. Three hundred and fifty-five.
My dad used to drag me to Ibrox back in the day, and watching Ally McCoist play football was like watching poetry in motion. Yes, if poetry included a lot of swearing and the occasional elbow to a defender’s ribs. The man could see the goal better than most people know where their car keys are.
But here’s the thing, and this is why McCoist is different from most ex-pros: he never took himself too seriously. Even when he was banging in 30 goals a season, you’d see him having a laugh with the fans, taking the mickey out of teammates. He got it. Football‘s supposed to be fun.
The Wife, The Kids, and Keeping It Real
Now McCoist’s had his share of personal lows. He had a failed first marriage, but he’s sorted now. Married to Vivien Ross since 2014, she appears to have done her bit to keep him grounded. Smart woman. Can you imagine being married to someone who talks as much as Ally McCoist? She deserves a medal.
They have two lads together; Arran is 16, and Harris is 12. He also has three sons from his first marriage. That’s five boys in total. Five! The poor man’s probably broke just from football boots and haircuts.
One of his lads, Argyll, is having a crack at professional football with Drumchapel United. There is no pressure there, then. “Just score 355 goals like your old man, son. Easy.”
Ally McCoist’s wife stays well out of the spotlight, which is probably the sensible approach. Let’s face it, one McCoist in the public eye is quite enough for most people.
From Disaster to Radio Gold
McCoist tried his hand at management after retiring. Rangers, his beloved Rangers. And it went well; let’s just say it didn’t go brilliantly. The club was imploding, the finances were a mess, and poor Ally was doing his best to manage in the lower leagues while everyone demanded he work miracles.
He walked away in 2014, and for a while, nobody was quite sure what he’d do next. Retire? Write a book? Move to Spain and open a bar?
Instead, he ended up on the radio. And that’s when we discovered something brilliant: Ally McCoist might actually be better at talking about football than he was at playing it. And he was bloody good at playing it.
The Voice of Reason (Sort Of)
These days, you can’t escape the man. talkSPORT, BT Sport, and the occasional podcast. He’s everywhere. And somehow, he never gets boring. You know how some pundits make you want to throw things at the telly? McCoist’s the opposite. He makes you turn the volume up.
Take his recent comments about Rangers possibly going for Sean Dyche. Most pundits would give you some corporate nonsense about “it’s an interesting possibility” or “time will tell”. Not our Ally. He just tells you straight: he’s heard whispers, thinks it could work, and explains why. Job done.
Ally McCoist’s age might suggest he should be slowing down, but the man’s busier than a one-legged cat in a sandbox. Radio shows every week, corporate gigs, and charity events. In 2024, he even got an OBE for services to football and broadcasting, about bloody time too.
Still Rangers Mad After All These Years
Here’s what I love about McCoist: he never pretends to be neutral. Rangers are his team. Always have been, always will be. When they’re doing well, he’s chuffing delighted. When they’re struggling, you can hear the pain in his voice.
Some people think that makes him biased. I think it makes him human. At least you know where you stand with him. No sitting on the fence, no diplomatic nonsense. Just honest opinions from someone who genuinely cares.
The Secret Sauce
So what is it about Ally McCoist that works so well? Simple. He talks like a normal person. Not like someone reading from a script or trying to sound clever. Like your mate who happens to know loads about football.
He tells stories. He takes the jokes on himself. He admits when he’s wrong. When did you last hear another pundit do that?
Most importantly, he remembers that football is entertainment. Yes, it matters to people. Yes, it can break your heart or make you deliriously happy. But at the end of the day, it’s 22 men kicking a ball around a field, and sometimes you’ve got to laugh about it.
McCoist gets that. Always has. That’s why, 10 years after his last game and approaching his mid-60s, he’s still the person most Scottish football fans want to hear from when something big happens.
Long may it continue. Scottish football would be a much duller place without Ally McCoist’s big mouth and even bigger heart.
